I got the news, Father
It’s not as if I hadn’t been expecting it, I had.
It’s just that somewhere, in the dimmest corners of my mind, where hope lives, I thought it might not happen.
I thought funds, manna-like, would suddenly appear.
Not ample funds, but adequate funds to buy materials, continue programs, hire us all back.
It’s not as if it’s final, though, it’s not. The word is “wait and see”
Wait and see. Can anything be harder? I’d almost rather know. and just by knowing squelch the anxious hope that I’ll be back…
But, Oh, Father let me be back
yes of course I need the money but it’s more than that – I need, well-
me
I’m afraid that if I lose my job – I’ll lose myself.
Oh Father bear me through this awful time of despair and hope.
Give me the stamina to wait and see, the strength to face whatever comes and give me-me.
My job is what I do, not what I am.
And what I am is yours. Your child, your trusting child.
I needed that. Thank you. I said today to a friend exactly what you just said, “If I lose my job, I’ll lose myself.” But that’s not true. Teaching is not who I am. Following Christ is who I am. Thank you for the truth that you and I both not only need to hear, but believe.
After I lost my job, I lost myself, my identity, for awhile. I responded to that heartache sinfully and fearfully.
It’s been a hard, humbling year.
It still is.
But I have to remember what my sister keeps telling me, “I am so much more than a profession…which is changeable. God, on the otherhand, is steadfast, unchangeable.”
It’s still tough, and still humbling…but…
All of my life, in every season, you are still God, I have a reason to sing, I have a reason to worship.
Love you.
I liked that, love you…
I love love you, girl. I often turn to Psalm 77 in these moments, because when David is despairing about the present/future, he finds strength by reminding Himself who God has been in the past, and re-tells Himself about God’s mighty works. But it’s not an easy journey – in fact, it’s one of the more difficult ones we’ve had to walk these past years, which still shocks and humbles me, really. Proud of you. Love you. Trusting God with you on this walk.